grace and joy

When I started my blog last year I decided to name it after my girls . . . little did we know that their middle names would be so meaningful!! God was gracious to give them to us and they have provided immense joy . . . but today, those names have so much meaning - more than I could have ever imagined. According to dictionary.com grace means "the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God" and joy means "the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation". It is because of the grace that God has bestowed upon us that we are able to express true joy through the loss of our son, Jackson.

In the past two weeks, actually since we found out about Jackson's initial heart condition, we have been asked how we are doing - our answer has varied slightly - today we have moments that are harder than others and moments that are really good, moments of joy and moments of tears, but all in all we are doing good! I was talking to a friend today and she was asking how we were doing and before I could fully answer she said probably as good as can be expected and I thought for a second and said no, I think we are doing better than that - only because we have hope in God. Our Jackson is not here, but he is perfect with Our Lord, the Creator of all things - the Creator of sweet Jackson!!!

I got a call yesterday morning from my doctor, Dr. Frields. It was two weeks from meeting our son. He called to tell us that he had just received the preliminary report from the autopsy. He is still waiting for results from the heart and kidney, but what we did find out is that Jackson suffered from triplody - a condition where he had an additional set of chromosomes. If you think back to high school biology you will remember that we each have 46 chromosomes - if there is any variation in that there are liable to be some problems - well Jackson had 69 chromosomes!!! My doctor said that babies with triplody don't usually make it past the first trimester and rarely survive outside of the womb for very long. I am grateful that our son survived as long as he did and that we were able to meet him - it was not how I had wanted to meet him, but there is something very comforting to this mama to have a face and a name attached to this precious baby in heaven!

You can ask us how we are doing - you may get tears, but that's ok with me! I love to talk about my sweet little boy and would love to share his footprints with you. Thank you for praying for us - we are completely overwhelmed at God's goodness. Jeremiah 29:11 says, 'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. God's Word is true - I can tell you first hand that when He promises to never give His children more than they can handle - He means it - so, I know that His plan is to give me a future and a hope! That is AWESOME!! Unlike me, what God says He WILL do - I may flake on you, I may forget, I will disappoint you, but GOD NEVER WILL!!

All that to say, it is because of God's grace that we have joy - true joy!!!