There are moments in our lives that change us forever – some are big and some are small, either way they impact us on some level . . . the moment you get picked for the lead in the play that you’ve been dying for or the or the moment that boy finally asks you out on your first date or the moment you go from being a Miss to a Mrs or the moment you realize . . . we are about to become a family of THREE!! or the moment that . . . you finish it.
For us, we had a moment last October 9th . . .it was the moment our doctor told us that, at 6 ½ months pregnant, our baby no longer had a heart beat!! That was a moment that will never be forgotten and has forever impacted our lives!
We’ve had miscarriages . . . but this was different . . . far different! I had just felt our baby kick the week before . . .I had seen ultrasounds of our baby moving. . . I knew that there was a life in me! Yes, we knew that our baby had some abnormalities – the month prior we had found out that he had a large hole in his heart – a ventricular septal defect – and that his right kidney was not functioning. We had been told that there was a possibility that our baby wouldn’t survive to term. There is a HUGE difference between “the possibility” and the reality! On October 9th we were living the reality!
That Thursday and Friday were two of the most wonderfully terrible days of my life! What do I mean? If we hadn’t been in that situation we wouldn’t have been able to see the Lord work. Those were two days where I felt the presence of the Lord in a way I don’t think I ever had before! My husband and I had such a peace within this storm. We were surrounded by family and friends (who frankly are more like family!). We were blessed by the Lord in ways that I can’t even begin to count. Big ways, little ways, ways that we didn’t even know we needed to be blessed. We were prayed for and just loved! What an amazing time that was!
As this first anniversary comes it is very surreal . . . it seems like only yesterday we were in the hospital and yet it seems like it has been ages. God is so good how He protects our hearts. And yet the heart still hurts! There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by where I don’t think of my son in one way or another. What would it be like to be getting three kiddos ready for the day? or What would it be like to look back and hear the sounds of my baby boy cooing at me while we are driving along? So many thoughts go through my mind and then I look at the two girls I have here with me and I’m so thankful for what the Lord has given me here! I can’t wait to meet my son when I step in to glory, but I have two precious girls here who need me right now! I have no guarantees on their eternity . . .I have a son who is in heaven . . . walking hand in hand with the God of the Universe – with my Jehovah God! Wow! I can’t even fully fathom that!!!
We’ve had moments that have been more difficult than others. The moment when someone asks how many children do I have . . . well, I have three . . . but do I say that and have them pity me if they ask the ages and I share about my son who is in heaven? I don’t want pity, but people don’t always know what to say and I don’t want to make people feel badly. Or the moment when someone doesn’t say anything because they are afraid that they are going to hurt my feelings or say the wrong thing . . . honestly, it is worse when someone avoids the fact that I have a son who is in heaven. That hurts. Yet, I understand . . . I’ve been there – what do you say. . .well, just be honest!
The moments get easier and harder all at the same time, but I have to be honest I wouldn’t change a thing! Yes, I would give just about anything to be sitting here with my baby boy, but that is not what the Lord had for our family! I am constantly reminded of Job’s response to his wife, who wanted him to curse God after his children and every possession had been taken away. Job 2:10 “But he said to her, ‘You speak as one of the foolish women would speak. Shall we receive good from God and shall we not receive evil?’”
From the beginning our desire was for God to be glorified in all that happened – we only pray that that has occurred. So many people have said such kind and lovely things to us and encouraged us over the last year. We are tremendously blessed! We are so thankful for your prayers and love!
I cling to the hope found in I Peter 5:10-11 “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.”
These moments of suffering are nothing in light of eternity and to know that my God, my Abba Father, my Creator and Redeemer will HIMSELF restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish ME, this wretched little redeemed sinner!!! That is a moment worth waiting for!
And then . . . there is the moment you find out God has blessed you with another little life! What a joyous moment that was!!!